I’m reading though Psalm 62 with some friends of mine and the help of an e-mail devotional. After reading verses 1 and 2 “Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him.2 Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken..” I had this thought that I put in our little group:
“I have a firm grip on everything I love the most in fear of losing something.”
I think I just realized this for myself. For those of you don’t know I lost my first husband to cancer when I was 24. I always knew that had an impact on my life but I didn’t quite put it all together as nicely as this sentence.
I honestly think it was easier to have blind trust in God when we were fighting cancer than it is right now when everything is “OK.” When everything was completely out of my control I could accept that one. However right now when everything seems fine I feel like I should be able to handle it myself.
This is a message I’ve been hearing OVER and OVER lately…..I think someone is trying to tell me something. Amber, you don’t have to hold on so tight, you don’t need to be in control, it’s not your job to keep everyone happy (and its not their job to make you happy.)
So why is this so dang hard??
When Mark was sick, I always thought it was strange when people would comment about our faith being so strong. Now looking back from the perspective of a ‘normal life’ I get it. In terms of faith (in my life) its easier when things are crazy, WHY? Well its easy to acknowledge that things are out of your control when they are. Now however, when life is normal, things are fine and ‘I’m in control.’ I’m finding it much harder to relinquish the reigns. I feel as though I SHOULD BE IN CONTORL of our money, my husbands mood, keeping our kids happy and the house spotless, right?? Insert sarcasm here
I’m not in control, therefor I should stop worrying so much about being in control. God has equipped me to handle what is happening in my life, weather it’s cancer or toddlers. You know what else? When I fail, when I ‘grip so tight in fear of losing what I love most’ its ok too. I’m human. Either way, if I’ve given up full control to God or am struggling to hold the reigns myself there is grace and for that I am grateful. So for now I’ll keep praying to loosen my grip and just enjoy the blessings I’ve been given.