Thoughts on Thursday: Learning to be vulnerable

I have a problem, I want to be tough I want to be as strong as everyone thought I was when Mark was sick. I want Mac to be proud of me and not worry that I’m ok all the time. But the truth is that since Mark passed away and a few things happened right before Mac and I got married, I’m not who I was before…. I cry easier (which for some of you might sound crazy because I’ve always been a crier.)  I get stressed out faster, I’m a major homebody now and I need to have my week planned out…. Alot of these things drive me crazy, but its just who I am now.

I’m learning to accept that, but more than that I’m learning to be open with Mac. I was/am scared to show my emotions, I’m scared to death of someone thinking I’m ‘broken’ (my words no one as actually ever said that to me) because I’m over emotional. I don’t want to cry when I get bad news for fear that in an effort to protect me Mac won’t tell me things. But as he keeps pointing out, and I’m so slow to learn, that isn’t right.

I need to be vulnerable with my spouse, I need to let him know when I’m stressed out, I need to be able to cry when I’m upset, He is the one person in this would I should be able to do this with without  fear (parents are a close second.) The fact is, if I have a brief burst of emotion (anger, fear, crying whatever) then I can process it, work through it and move on faster. If I try to hide my emotions, then I don’t deal with it at all and it becomes a much bigger deal.

What about you? Do you struggle with being vulnerable with you spouse? Please tell me I’m not the only one.

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