I strongly believe that faith and Marriage are interlinked in such a way that they can not be separated. Recently with my control struggles this has become very clear to me once again.
As I talked about last week in my Issac post, I’m putting a lot of pressure on myself. I want to take care of everything on my own so that Mac doesn’t have to and well I can’t. I can’t do it all. But I still don’t want to give up the reigns. I don’t know how, and now I’m lost in this cycle. I try to give up control of things, but then for some reason or another it doesn’t work out and I just pick it up again. I don’t know how to break this cycle and I need to I need to for my marriage, for my sanity, and for my faith.
Its like I’m stuck in caretaker mode, I can’t stop the drive to make things better for Mac even when the only thing wrong is ‘me.’ The pressure I’m putting on myself, to be the perfect wife, with the perfect house. There is no pressure from Mac for either of these things. In fact he wants to help, but I don’t really let him. Its ridiculous really and I know that. But I can’t change it on my own.
I need to be willing to give up control not only to God (as we discussed in Issac) but to my husband. This isn’t just a surface level between me and the hubby thing. This is a faith thing. Because I don’t know what to do, I don’t know where to start. I just need to keep having faith that God will guide me through. I need to keep praying this prayer I found in “When I lay my Issac Down: Unshakable faith in Unthinkable Circumstances” by Carol Kent
“So God, I will let go of my control for the next minute, and if I make it that far, let’s try for five more minutes, and maybe there will be a time when I will come to the end of one full day.”
I guess figuring out what the problem is, is the start. So now what God? Where do I go from here? Guess I better keep praying that prayer.