I’m not a Mom.
That doesn’t mean I haven’t tried to be, and while I’m ok with it for now I know there are lots of Women out there who aren’t. Secretly their heart breaks when they hear their friend who ‘wasn’t trying’ is pregnant. Mothers Day hurts and they don’t even want to go to Church for fear that they will start crying during the Mom’s recognition.
I remember these feelings, I remember skipping Church, I remember hearing that my best friends sister was pregnant, VERY unexpectedly and thinking NOT FAIR! I remember wanting a child so badly with Mark so I would have a memory, but it didn’t happen. I trust that this is best, that God knows what he is doing and now I see that having a child right now would have been even more hard than I could have imagined.
Now I have new fears, I fear that I was the reason we couldn’t get pregnant ( there is supporting evidence but it could have all been stress related.) I fear that I will never be able to function ‘normally’ with out anti-depressiants and therefore not even be able to try and get pregnant. I fear about money, and this crazy world we live in.
But as always I still have hope, I know that God knows what he is doing. I know that Mac and I have talked about adoption and are both excited about the idea.
I’m not asking you to stop celebrating Mothers, not at all. In fact I will be celebrating it myself with my MIL. But I’m asking you to be aware that there are about 10% of us out there who despite their and doctors best efforts can’t be a Mom and this is a very hard time of year for them.
PS for now I’m very happy with my Fur Toddler Cooper
Thank you for posting this. I would be lying if I said I have made some of the big steps you have (I still can’t get myself to go to Church on Mother’s Day or during child dedication services, the last time I did is when we were both at the same church and I left crying). But I think people also need to understand (like you said) that there are people out there that do struggle with Mother’s day.
I just wanted to let you know, that since that one service we were together at, (years ago now) I think and pray for you every Mother’s Day, and will again this year. Thank you for being a strong Godly woman. God Bless!
Amber,
Thank you for sharing.
I’ve read several blogs this week along this theme, and they resonate with me.
I feel my response has more to do with the underlying pain than the actual subject.
I am a mother.
That hurts, too.
Something fascinating about humans is that we have to validate our pain.
As I’ve read these blogs, I hurt with you, and the women who long to be mothers.
It also reenforces the pain of being a mother.
Which causes more pain?
I honestly don’t know, and to be blunt, I don’t think it matters. Pain is pain.
Whether we hurt because we don’t have children, hurt because we do have children, hurt because our mothers don’t like us as children, hurt because our mothers care too much about us as children, the pain goes on.
Mother’s Day is painful on many levels for many people.
I am not dismissing your pain, just as you are not dismissing mine.
The sources and outcome of our pain is different, but it still hurts.
So on Mother’s Day, I will say a prayer for the pain in your heart and I ask that you say a prayer for the pain in mine.
Love you, Friend.
Honesty helps you and all of those around you. When we are transparent we are giving those around us permission to be honest too. Thank you.
Oh Amber….my heart breaks for you and for the many others who want to be a mom but are unable to be one. I’ve never felt the way that you have because prior to E, I’ve never really wanted to have children of my own. Your post made me aware of how lucky I truly am for being able to have E. I don’t know what God’s plan for you and Mac is but I know that any child, both your own biological or adopted, would be blessed to have you two as parents because you both have a lot of love to give. I do hope that one day you will get to feel the joy of being a mother. I think adoption would be a wonderful idea because there are so many children out there who do not know what it feels like to be loved by a mom and dad and I think you two will do an amazing job loving any child you have in your family.
Thank you for posting this. I would be lying if I said I have made some of the big steps you have (I still can