Marriage, no marriage, no matter how perfect is easy. This is me being 100% honest with you. I’m mad at Mark. Doesn’t make sense does it? I felt like he gave up in the end, I know in my head it was the best for him. I know that he was in so much pain….but he left me, and that hurts. It hurts more than finding out he had cancer. It hurts more thing being labeled stupid and slow like I was growing up with learning disabilities and ADHD. It hurts so bad that I’m crying my eyes out right now 3.5 years later. I think he was selfish in the end, everything was focused on him and my life just went to the side. None of those thoughts are fair, or true, none of them but I still feel this way. I still hurt.
But life is moving on, and its good. Sometimes that is hard too. I think how its not fair that Mark’s life was cut so short and I get to keep living. I got to fall in love again. I get to have a great life and he dosen’t. Then I realize that is selfish of me. He is in heaven, healed and praising God. Would I really want to take that away from him? NO, Never.
I’m not really sure what my point is with this but I feel like I needed to share it, I need someone to tell me that my feelings are normal and ok and thats not going to happen if I keep them all bottled up. Right?