This is my confession

Marriage, no marriage, no matter how perfect is easy. This is me being 100% honest with you. I’m mad at Mark. Doesn’t make sense does it? I felt like he gave up in the end, I know in my head it was the best for him. I know that he was in so much pain….but he left me, and that hurts. It hurts more than finding out he had cancer. It hurts more thing being labeled stupid and slow like I was growing up with learning disabilities and ADHD. It hurts so bad that I’m crying my eyes out right now 3.5 years later. I think he was selfish in the end, everything was focused on him and my life just went to the side. None of those thoughts are fair, or true, none of them but I still feel this way. I still hurt.

But life is moving on, and its good. Sometimes that is hard too. I think how its not fair that Mark’s life was cut so short and I get to keep living. I got to fall in love again. I get to have a great life and he dosen’t. Then I realize that is selfish of me. He is in heaven, healed and praising God. Would I really want to take that away from him? NO, Never.

I’m not really sure what my point is with this but I feel like I needed to share it, I need someone to tell me that my feelings are normal and ok and thats not going to happen if I keep them all bottled up. Right?

8 comments on “This is my confession

  1. You are perfectly normal. I want to cry with you. Grieving is a process that must be gone through~a refiner’s fire. Then we heal, never to be the same, but none the less, a new better person because we loved, we hurt, we carry on. Hugs, Tina

  2. Thank you for sharing this. I have never been through what you have been through but I totally agree with what Tina says. It’s normal and part of grieving.

    I also want to thank you for posting this because I also have been bottling up some things (especially over the last week) and i need to get these out. So thank you for opening this door for me. Often the things we open up and share about can help other people.

  3. Amber – Although I’ve never lost a spouse, I recently lost my dad this past Christmas Eve and I do know exactly how you are feeling. My passed from complications from his diabeties that he never really took care of. I too sometimes feel that he gave up in the end. I’m only 24 and the selfish part of me asks why he would be taken away before walking me down the aisle or seeing my future children be born. It’s good to talk about these things because at the end of the day, they are normal feelings. I’m sure Mark and my father are in the same place living a life we could not even begin to imagine. 🙂

  4. By “opening up” and telling the truth of how we feel, we are “living in the light”. In the light we can see the truth. When we hold our feelings in, hide them in our own mind/darkness we end up believing a lot of lies, only seeing things from our own perspective. But in the light we can see truth.

    Thank you for opening up and sharing. You will not only be healed more completely but you are an encouragement for others to do the same. Every thing we do and are in life effects others, everything, even dying.

    You were a great wife to Mark. You two taught your Dad and I alot about really living life. Now we are all learning about new relationships with Ryan.
    One last thought, if you had not loved him deeply, you would not hurt so deeply. Keep that wound cleaned out (open) as long as it needs to be to heal completely. Eventually there will just be a scar, something not really pretty but that doesn’t hurt so much, but is a testimony to an amazing journey.

  5. I don’t know that I would label it as giving up, I’d say he’d accepted that it was his time. I’ve now watched two people that I have loved dearly go through this horrible thing called cancer. It is not fair. It is a horrible horrible thing. I could never begrudge them take up my time or being selfish because I cannot even fathom what they are going through. While we can be upset that things like this happen in our lives, it never does any good to place blame on anyone. God does not give us more than we can handle- even if we feel he is. Feel blessed to know that our God thought you were strong enough to handle this season in your life and come out on the other side of it with a new life and husband. Call if you need to talk.

  6. sending lots of love your way. it’s ok to be angry about what’s happened. it’s perfectly normal part of grieving. and it doesn’t matter if it was 3 years ago, or 30 years ago, it’s a super shity situation and definitly not fair to anyone. my dad died in a car accident and I often find myself ‘yelling’ at him or blaming him for what haoppened, even though I know it wasn’t his fault. Yell, scream, cry, do it all…. you’re perfectly normal.


  7. Your feelings are normal and okay and you know why? Because they are yours and nobody gets to tell you how or what you should feeling when it comes to anything, especially the death of a loved one. It simply sucks and we all grieve in our own way. Hugs.

  8. Amber,
    I can’t even imagine what you’ve been through. However sister, I must encourage you to seek rest and peace with this in our Lord. Pray for wisdom and healing..and reach out to other Christian older women who can help you sort out all your feelings.

    God’s word says precious is the death of God’s children. Mark is in her true and real home..rejoice and know he no longer had to suffer…
    I’m sure he did what he could to love you at the end..

    Lots of love to you, girl!
    Take care and will say a prayer for your healing!


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