My mind is racing.

I had a really hard weekend I’m not going to lie. Saturday I broke down. These last few weeks have slowly started to remind me of the time right after Mark (my first husband) passed away. I’m alone in a house, with a new puppy that needs to be trained, projects that need to be done, a house that needs to be kept up and a day job…I was overwhelmed and freaking out. One of my biggest fears is looseing my hubby…again. I called Mac and we talked for a while and I started feeling better. This week is going much better PTL! Anyway

These last 2.5 weeks with my hubby gone have been interesting to say the least. There have been highs and lows and a lot of questions. The questions are what have my mind racing. I’m in a stage of life where I’m trying to define myself, don’t get me wrong I know who I am, but how does that play out in ‘real life?’

Here is what I know I am a believer in Christ and I know that because of my sins, his death and resurrection is the only way I will get to heaven. I know that I am deeply loved by many people, I am truly blessed in this area. I know that I enjoy taking care of people and making them happy. I like to craft, read, and do projects around the house. I enjoy the outdoors and pretty much anything you can do outside. I believe in being responsible with the world we live in. I also believe that our bodies weren’t created to live on so much processed food.

So where does that leave me? Spinning that’s where, these are some major areas that I want my life to represent. But how does that play out in real life, what does it look like?

I don’t want to be the normal everyday Christian but I don’t want to be the zealot on the street corner either. If I truly believe what I say I don’t why don’t I have the desire to be in the word studying more? Why don’t I want to share my faith more readily? I know I live it out in general. I know people can see I’m different but I want them to know why.

I want to take care of the ones I love as much as I can but not at the expense of my mental and physical heath. This is honestly new to me, Hubby is trying so hard to help me with this but I’m struggling with accepting what he says as truth. For example I wanted to get the bathroom done before he got home. I was working myself so much that I was falling asleep and taking 3 or 4 naps AT WORK! He told me I didn’t need to do it myself and he would help when he got home. But I just kept working on it until I broke down physically and emotionally this weekend. I slept so much over the weekend (multiple hour naps) but at least this week I’m doing well. I’ve been working on keeping the house together, because that makes me happy. I’m still working on the bathroom but just a project or two a day. This week is so much better my positive attitude is back and I’m definitely more awake! I know the hubby will still love me no matter what but I keep convincing my self he would be happier if…

I want to be green without being a nut job (or have people view me as a nut job.) and I want to eat as healthy as possible, but does that mean organic, raw, local, or do I eat a variety of fruits and veggies so I stay balanced no matter where they came from and what chemicals may have been used? This is a big one right now since I’m doing the whole raw thing. I’m honestly at a loss.

**edited to add the following**
It was pointed out to me that I can be pretty harsh on my self, while that is true, that is not the spirit of this post. I’m actually excited about most of these things. I’m excited to define my beliefs on food and greenness there is so much you can do and say and I want to know where I stand so that I’m not pushed into something I don’t want to do. With the pleasing others situation, I’m excited because I’m starting to not only know what is healthy for me but to act on it! Your right however my knowledge of the Bible and my beliefs is something I do get down about.

However I just wanted to point out that this was not meant to be a bummer post.

4 comments on “My mind is racing.

  1. I can't comment on the house stuff, as I am the un-handy-est person ever! As far as food goes, I have tried to be super strict about organic, local, minimal packaging, etc. When I am a stickler, I find that I am more stressed than ever, and it affects my relationships, mood, etc. Now I sort of look at it like this: I am making major changes, I am eating so much healthier than the past, and I am taking steps towards my goals. It's so much more comforting and something to be proud of to be on the path, rather than think I have to blaze the path and get to the end of it NOW. Hope that helps!

  2. Amber, some of your posts are heart breaking. You are an amazing person. Stop trying so hard to change yourself, you are GOOD and HONEST and Love the Lord. You are so hard on yourself and pick out all your imperfections when the Lord made you that way for a reason. Celebrate yourself!

  3. Anonymous

    Check out the edit to my post. While you are right I can be hard on myself this post was not intended to be that way. Can't say much about my old posts they proably were downers, but don't worry I see the sun again. I'm just learning how to live life again outside of crisis mode.

    yeah that helps a lot I'm the same way. Thanks for the encouragment.

  4. Just take your time, knowing what you know. God loves you even if you do nothing for the rest of your life. (FAT CHANCE!)

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