Everyone will come to a point in their life when they realize that they are not in control. I’ve hit this point a few times and each time I just can’t seem to give it up, even when its so obvious that I’m not in control. Why do I feel the need? Why can’t I simply just trust God, he is the one who is ultimately in control anyway. It’s one of those things I know in my head but I just can’t seem to put in to action.
You would think that when Mark got sick I would have given that control up, and I did sorta. I knew that I couldn’t control whether or not he was healed in heaven or on earth, however I still tried to control his pain, comfort, and our lives as much as possible. I became strong because I had to I didn’t want to let him down. I helped with shots, O2, draining his lungs, pain meds and as much as I could physically do around the house so he didn’t have to. I was still trying to control my life.
Even after Mark passed away I tired to remain in control, in a time where I really shouldn’t of have to. People are allowed to loose it a little after the death of a loved one. Heck they are allowed to loose it alot!
After meeting Ryan I started to realize how stressed out this was making me. But that didn’t stop me till one day last May, I broke, I had some good friends go through a really hard time in the marriage and for some reason, that was all it took. I had the comfort of Ry and I knew that he was able to support me and so to be honest I lost it. I could barley keep myself together. The house was a wreck, I was a wreck and I couldn’t get through a day without crying. But still in the midst of it all I found myself trying desperately to regain control, it only made it harder when I failed. I didn’t want to disappoint Ry. No matter how many times he told me I couldn’t.
Why is this so hard? I’m trying, I’m learning but I just can’t give up the reigns. Its a slow process but I think I’m on my way. Life seems better now, easier. I’m learning about my people pleasing ways and my controlling tendencies. Right now I’m in the awareness stage, not quite to the correcting stage. I hope I get there soon…oops there I go again, it will happen in time, when I’m ready (deep breath.)
semper reformanda secundum verbum Dei (always reforming according to the word of God, stolen from my friend Matt)